


a xanax a day keeps the targaryens away

by kattyshack



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Family, Fluff, Humor, Jon Snow Has Some Chill But Not Much, Matchmaking, Romance, Sassy Jon, Texting, bc he is in no mood for dear old dad's shit, i mean 'advice', it’s all for laughs it’s fine, not exactly targ-friendly i guess but it's a silly little au so like what do you want from me, title addendum: modern au jon's philosophy for dealing with rhaegar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 20:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16048235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattyshack/pseuds/kattyshack
Summary: Jon’s father attempts to give him some advice on how to get the girl.





	a xanax a day keeps the targaryens away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AliceInNeverNeverLand](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceInNeverNeverLand/gifts).



> a/n: hey, all! long time, no updates, i know — i’ve been struggling with a lot of irl messes, which have probably contributed to my major writer’s block lately. i’ll get back to my updates just asap, but in the meantime everyone can thank mere for this little ditty, since i couldn’t have written it without a conversation we had. i hope this slice of humor makes up for my block!

 

 **RHAEGAR** : I’ve heard tell you’ve got your eye on the Stark girl.

 **JON** : New phone, who dis?

 **RHAEGAR** : Must you start every conversation this way?

 **JON** : Must you start any conversation with me ever?

 **RHAEGAR** : I always knew allowing you to fraternize with the Greyjoy boy was a bad idea.

 **JON** : Finally, something we can agree on  
But what’s done is done, now if you’ll excuse me I have better things to do than talk to you about my love life  
After all, my leg hairs aren’t going to rip themselves out

 **RHAEGAR** : There’s no need for your attitude.

 **JON** : Call it a preemptive measure, as I assume you’re about to scold me for lusting after a Stark.  
Which, by the way, is why I screened your ELEVEN PHONE CALLS

 **RHAEGAR** : You know how I deplore text messaging.

 **JON** : I DO know.  
That was sort of the point of screening your calls. So I wouldn’t have to talk to you.  
And yet here you are

 **RHAEGAR** : I’ve no intention of scolding you. Sansa Stark is quite the lovely young woman. Beautiful, courteous, accomplished, good breeding — despite our families’ troublesome history. You’d make a fine match. It might even help to ally our lineages at last.

 **JON** : What century is this??  
Do you want to negotiate her dowry, too???

 **RHAEGAR** : Are you considering marriage already? From what I’ve heard you haven’t made your intentions towards her known at all.

 **JON** : EVERYONE KNOWS  
CLEARLY  
AS YOU’VE SOMEHOW FOUND OUT  
And I am admittedly painfully obvious about it, but that is beside the point

 **RHAEGAR** : Your sister mentioned it. She also wanted me to tell you to enjoy your comeuppance. Apparently you’ve offended her somehow.

 **JON** : She’s still mad about that time I shaved the cat so he looked like a lion.  
Which was TEN YEARS AGO  
And he looked MAGNIFICENT  
Tell her to let it go!!

 **RHAEGAR** : I will, just as soon as you tell your intended of your feelings.

 **JON** : My INTENDED???

 **RHAEGAR** : I’ve also spoken with your mother, who said you were asking after her grandmother's ring, so what else should I call Sansa Stark if not your intended? 

 **JON** : _typing…_

 **RHAEGAR** : You know, the Targaryens have a fine collection of heirlooms. I’d be more than happy for you to take your pick.

 **JON** : I am NOT giving Sansa some hideous monstrosity  
I remember what granddad Aerys’ rings looked like  
Like the costume jewelry from hell

 **RHAEGAR** : I was thinking one of Alysanne’s, actually.

 **JON** : Oh.  
Well.  
I need to ask Sansa for a date first, but  
I’ll keep that in mind.

 **RHAEGAR** : And how do you plan on asking her?

 **JON** : I haven’t got a plan. There’s no point, since I’ll just end up blurting something oh-so-devastatingly-eloquent like ‘Sansa, I’m obsessed with you, dear god, put me out of my misery.’  
That’ll get her.  
If you listen closely, you can already hear the wedding bells…  
I’ll be asking to peruse Alysanne’s jewelry boxes in no time.

 **RHAEGAR** : Honestly, I don’t know where you get this unwarranted dramatic flair.

 **JON** : Are you  
Are you serious?  
Didn’t Aunt Dany JUST get another citation for petty arson or something? She tried to set Daario’s car on fire.  
And, sure, Daario sucks, but she’s the one who’s sleeping with him so that’s on her and maybe she should chill.

 **JON** : So yeah, don’t tell me you don’t know where my penchant for overreactions comes from.  
YOUR DNA did this to me.

 **RHAEGAR** : Don’t disparage your aunt.

 **JON** : Unless I want to be SET ON FIRE, you mean?

 **RHAEGAR** : Insulting our family’s not going to get you out of discussing the matter at hand. Not this time.

 **JON** : It was worth a shot.

 **RHAEGAR** : Might I offer you some fatherly advice?

 **JON** : Do I have a choice?

 **RHAEGAR** : No. Now, what do I always tell you about women?

 **JON** : What do you even know about women?

 **RHAEGAR** : You have to ROMANCE her.

 **JON** : Oh, yeah?  
Like how?  
Playing the harp?

 **RHAEGAR** : Your sarcasm is unappreciated. The harp is a highly respected instrument, Aegon.

 **JON** : W H O M S T ????

 **RHAEGAR** : JON*

 **RHAEGAR** : An easy mistake to make, as I’m ordinarily reprimanding your brother.

 **JON** : That’s because Aegon’s an idiot  
And do you know WHY?  
Because you named him AEGON

 **RHAEGAR** : So what’s your excuse?

 **JON** : Um, I’m a man in love?  
I don’t know how you can be so insensitive when you play the HARP

 **RHAEGAR** : I hear the Stark girl is adept at the harp herself. Are you going to give her this crude treatment as well?

 **JON** : Sansa can do whatever she wants all the time  
She could name *our* kid Aegon and I’d think it was brilliant

 **RHAEGAR** : I do hope you proposition her more elegantly than that.

 **JON** : Absolutely I will not.

 **RHAEGAR** : Sigh. If that’s true, then it really might be worth your time to learn the harp. Or the lute, perhaps.

 **JON** : You’re the reason why I’m medicated.

 **RHAEGAR** : Flowers, at the very least.

 **JON** : I’m way ahead of you  
How the hell did you know I was at the shop?? I’ve got an armful of yellow daisies as we speak  
Are you here??

 **RHAEGAR** : No, I’m not, I’m afraid. I suppose it’s just genetic. Like father, like son.

 **JON** : Oh my god, you have GOT to stop saying that to me.

 **RHAEGAR** : Mhm. Good luck, Jon.

 **JON** : I’ll take the fact that you got my name right this time as a good omen.

 

* * *

 

 **JON** : So I talked to my dad today.

 **SANSA** : My condolences. Anything I can do to help soothe your rattled nerves?

 **JON** : _typing…_

 **JON** : Um  
Well

 **SANSA** : You’re not thinking lascivious thoughts, are you? I’ve just realized I left myself rather susceptible to that.

 **JON** : You said it, not me.

 **SANSA** : You hang ‘round Theon too much.

 **JON** : YOU just spent the weekend with him at the spa!!  
I know because he kept sending me messages about you and mud baths!!!!

 **SANSA** : Oh, I know. It’s not like he was with me for that, he was getting a facial. But he did have a good laugh at your expense. Though he still won’t tell me what’s so funny about it.

 **JON** : Well that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

 **SANSA** : …me in a mud bath?

 **JON** : Not quite. But I’m prepared to discuss that later.  
I just want that to be clear.

 **SANSA** : You’re definitely thinking lascivious thoughts, I see.

 **JON** : To be fair, I’m in love with you, so my intentions are pure.  
Mostly.

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **JON** : A speechless Sansa. I never thought I’d see the day.  
I’m pretty pleased with myself, to be honest

 **SANSA** : Are you drunk??

 **JON** : ????  
What are you talking about? It’s three o’clock in the afternoon!

 **SANSA** : What are YOU talking about, you’re in love with me???

 **JON** : I thought it was obvious!

 **SANSA** : Not to me!

 **JON** : Well NOW it is, as I’ve just told you.

 **JON** : Which, weirdly, brings me back to the subject of my dad. He wanted to give me some ‘fatherly advice’.  
About you.

 **SANSA** : Even your father knows?? How is it that Rhaegar knows, and I didn’t???

 **JON** : Because you don’t listen to anyone. I mean, I know Arya’s told you.

 **SANSA** : Arya thinks everyone’s in love with me!

 **JON** : They ARE  
It’s maddening

 **SANSA** : That is… strangely sweet of you.

 **JON** : Oh, I can be very sweet to you, just you wait and see.

 **JON** : Which, again, WEIRDLY, brings me back to my dad.  
God, that’s so gross, BUT

 **JON** : He said I’ve got to ~romance you  
As if he has any actual idea what romance is  
I assume he wants me to impregnate you and then run off with another woman he also knocked up

 **SANSA** : In that case I might as well date Harry again. God knows he’s fertile.

 **JON** : Hey.  
Hey.  
I’m fertile, okay  
You don’t need Harry

 **SANSA** : Are you implying that you’ll impregnate me and then run off with another woman, then?

 **JON** : What are ‘other women’?

 **SANSA** : Smooth.

 **JON** : Also genuine.  
Besides, if we went by my father’s example, what would actually happen is that YOU would end up marrying the other woman, so don’t pin this on me.

 **SANSA** : How are Elia and Lyanna, by the way?

 **JON** : Enjoying another tour of Essos. They send their love.  
Also, why are we talking about this?

 **SANSA** : Because I’m panicking?

 **JON** : That’s what every guy wants to hear after professing his love.

 **SANSA** : Is that what you’re doing, really, completely not-drunk-or-possibly-concussed? This is you taking your father’s advice? I mean, this is your idea of romancing me? Texting me your grand declarations of love?

 **SANSA** : Not that I’m objecting. I just want to be sure that’s what’s going on, because I’m afraid I’ve already got my heart set on it.

 **JON** : Thank god  
I mean I did blatantly say I was in love with you, multiple times, so I don’t know what you’re worried about

 **SANSA** : I told you, I’m panicking (in a good way!) and maybe you’re drunk.

 **JON** : I am stone-cold sober in love with you.  
Ditto, I hope?

 **SANSA** : Definitely ditto.

 **JON** : :)  
That’s settled, then.

 **JON** : Anyway, you know I’m shit at talking. The texts are better for both of us, trust me.  
And that was just part one  
Part two is that I’m outside your door right now  
I’ve brought flowers and all of my desperate hopes

 **SANSA** : You’re at the door? How long have you been there? Why didn’t you knock??

 **JON** : About a minute. I have a LOT of flowers to hold, okay, and I’ve been working up my nerve to kiss you as soon as you open the door so I NEED THIS MINUTE

 **SANSA** : Sorry, time’s up.

 **JON** : Damn it, woman, at least count me down or I’ll have a heart attack

 **JON** : I HEAR YOU UNLOCKING THE DOOR

 **SANSA** : Five…

 **SANSA** : Four…

 **JON** : You know what, fuck it, I can’t wait anymore

 **JON** : ONE

 

* * *

 

 **RHAEGAR** : I’ve not heard from you in going-on-six hours. I assume it went well.

 **JON** : I didn’t need to learn the harp OR the lute.  
Turns out that ‘flowers, at the very least’ were more than enough  
Also, kicking in the door and kissing her dizzy helped, too.

 **JON** : Not that you need to know anything about that  
In fact I already regret telling you

 **RHAEGAR** : No need for regrets! I’m proud of you.

 **JON** : Ugh. Well now I think I must have done something wrong.

 **RHAEGAR** : Evidently ‘kissing her dizzy’ wasn’t enough to improve your attitude.

 **JON** : Maybe not, but my mood’s certainly turned a new leaf.  
Tell Egg I’m going to give him a run for his money in the ‘smug Targaryen heir’ department now  
Not that I want to be the Targaryen heir  
But I’m finally smug enough to qualify

 **RHAEGAR** : And all it took was some kissing?

 **JON** : To paraphrase you —  
Don’t disparage your future daughter-in-law.

 **RHAEGAR** : I wouldn’t dream of it. We’ll see you both at Sunday brunch, I gather?

 **JON** : I GUESS  
But I’m not doing this for you. It’s only because Sansa likes mimosas so much.

 **RHAEGAR** : And you don’t?

 **JON** : I’ll like them better when Sansa’s lips taste like them.

 **RHAEGAR** : That is terribly uncouth. Please mind your manners this weekend, we have about a dozen relatives visiting from Valyria.

 **JON** : Keep them away from the pantry, then, because I fully intend on dragging Sansa in there for a snog every fifteen minutes.

 **RHAEGAR** : You know, you’re the reason why I’m medicated, too.

 **JON** : Well, it’s like you always say…  
‘Like father, like son.’


End file.
